identity

After living for 20 years, I'm actually still pretty lost about who I really am, what am I gonna become. Not to mention, who my true friends are. Along the way, I kept calling certain people in my life my "best" friend(s), but in actually fact, are they really my best friend? Best friends are meant to be a two way thing, right? So if this person is a best friend to you, you should somehow also mean as a best friend to them, right? Actually right now, I think I still haven't find the right definition of it. Or maybe, I don't even know what i'm searching for. Same goes for boyfriend. How do you define a boyfriend? How do you decide if you want someone to be your boyfriend? How do you decide which are the feelings you're supposed to feel to be able to decide that person as your boyfriend? How do you know you want that person to be your boyfriend? How do you know that you like them, or when you love them? How's a boyfriend supposed to be like, or behave? What am to expect? After 20 years, I still have so much doubts. Only thing that doesn't come with a doubt, is that I'd been living a wasted life.