nostalgic fears

things that happened, or maybe, did not happened, makes me start to ponder.
i don't know why i'm feeling this way,
i don't know what happened or what i did that made me feel this way either.
today, a newfound fear arised in me.
a fear so deep it was looking deep into my eyes,
going down right through my soul.
it's scary, torturous, maybe.
i've never felt this way before.
i've never felt so scared before.
i've never felt so weak, so small before.
tears just flow out as they wish,
and it seems like i had no control over what is going through my mind,
my heart and whatever physical changes that comes next.
tears are always at the brim of my eyes,
always ever ready to fall;
breaths get so heavy like they never were,
making me feel so suffocated with what i'm dealing with.
to be truthful,
i don't even know what i'm dealing with.
i wished i was working.
i wished i was there at u.d.d.e.r.s scooping,
serving customers, having ice cream, cleaning up...
i guess i'd have been happier.
much happier to be exact.

as i start to grow up,
i start to see life as it is.
how scheming, how trecherous, how selfish one could get to go all out for themselves.
i always criticized these people, i remember.
but these fears i felt awoken me.
i think deeper, and i realised,
i'm actually of no difference from them.
i'm the selfish one all along,
i'm the unreasonable one all along.
why couldn't i just understand, and be part of someone who needed me there.
why do i always push important people in my life away,
wanting to be all alone?
maybe it's cause of how i think.
negative thinking.
i can't sight this world with positive thoughts.
it's too good to be true.
i want to be back to when i was a young little girl.
where not having certain toys were my only concerns.
when the timeslots of the cartoon was all i needed to know,
when my mum will tie my hair for me and i'd always be a little princess,
when i'd quarrel with Emily so much,
and we didn't realise how much we actually love each other,
and how much all these quarrellings/fightings could lead to a super closely bonded sistership like ours.
be back at the times when we'll play block catching with the cousins and it's all we need to keep us satisfied and going for the rest of the day.
i want to be back there, with mummy, daddy and Emily.
the four of us.
we'll be happy together.
so happy together.
we can make it work, yes we can.
why isn't anyone trying?

thank god for god, though.
he gave me a wonderful family,
a super understanding and forgiving boyfriend,
and a bunch of really lovely girlfriends.